Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He’d gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine instead and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table, where he turned his slot-machine money into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man, he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, “I’m that man. I was the one who gave you that dime.”
“You’re not the one I’m looking for,” Ned replied. “I’m looking for the guy who left the stall door open!”
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They’d spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. “The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. We learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette,” the African leader said.
President Clinton frowned. “Russian roulette is a dangerous game!”
The African leader smiled. “That’s why we’ve developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you’ll have to play. I’ll show you how.” He pushed a buzzer, and in paraded a half dozen, magnificently beautiful women who immediate shrugged off their garb. “You can choose any one of these women to give you oral sex,” the African leader told Clinton.
As you can imagine, THIS got Clinton’s immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice when a thought occurred to him. “How is this related to Russian roulette?” Clinton asked.
The African leader smiled, leaned towards the president and in a soft, even voice said, “One of them is a cannibal.”
How do you get a sweet, little, 80-year-old lady to say “F*CK”?
Get another sweet, little, 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
When is the only time you split tens?
When the table is full and your buddies need a seat.
Did you hear that Rodney Dangerfield joined Gamblers Anonymous?
They gave him 3-to-1 that he wouldn’t make it.
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool—nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.
A man is quietly reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
“What the hell was that for?” the man says.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it!” she shouts.
“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” her husband explains. His wife looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to he says, “Jesus, what was that for?!” “Your horse phoned,” his wife informs him.